Children & pre-teens

It is important to talk to children about staying safe online as soon as they start using technology. Children can accidentally stumble across pornography either by following links, clicking on adverts or sometimes through typos in their searching. They might also actively look for this content online as they are curious or are unsure what something is or means. Whichever way a child accesses this type of content it can leave them feeling shocked, disgusted or worried, and it may prompt questions about sex and relationships.

Top tips:

1. Always have age-appropriate conversations
2. Give children strategies for dealing with anything inappropriate online (for example, close the laptop)
3. Make sure your children know they can turn to you, even if they have viewed something on purpose
4. Make use of parental control tools available on devices, platforms and at ISP level. Visit Internet Mattersfor some handy guides.

Talk to your child

In an age-appropriate way, you can explain that there are some things online that are for adults only and that if they ever see anything that worries them online that they should come and tell you. Make sure they know to always tell you if anyone ever shows them a picture of a naked person, or if anyone wants to take a picture of their private parts.

It is a good idea at this age to begin conversations about how the media (for example celebrities, TV and advertising) can impact on how we feel about our bodies. Help your child think critically about the images they see online and offline.

It can help to give your child strategies for dealing with any online content they are not comfortable with – such as turning off the screen, closing the laptop lid or turning over the tablet or phone and then coming to speak to you.

If they do tell you they have seen something inappropriate, don’t panic. Reassure them they’ve done the right thing turning to you. It may help to practice what you would say if you found out, or if your child told you, that they had seen something pornographic online. Be prepared that it may prompt questions about sex and relationships and it is important to answer questions in an age appropriate way. It may also prompt you to assess your current level of parental controls and change them if needed.

Help limit the chances of exposure

With young children, we recommend that you make use of parental control tools available. These can be applied at device level or the platform and from your internet service provider. Be aware that parental controls are not 100% effective but they do help limit the chances of your child being accidently exposed to pornographic content.

Teens

Young people are naturally curious about sex and they may turn to the internet to answer any questions they have. They may actively seek out pornography, for sexual pleasure or just through curiosity about sex, or they may stumble across it or be shown something by a friend.

Top tips

1. Listen to what they think and remember that young people use the internet differently to adults.
2. Share your opinions and values in a non-judgmental way.
3. Have small chats regularly, rather than trying to say everything at once. Try to have these chats whilst you’re both doing something; for example, when you’re doing the washing up at home or in the car on the way to school. This can help your child not to feel under pressure to maintain eye contact or answer quickly.
4. Look out for moments that can make it natural to talk about a topic; for example, when you hear something in a song lyric, TV show or news story.
5. Ask questions which promote discussion, but don’t interrogate them. It can help to ask about their friends rather than directly asking them about their experiences.
6. Don’t assume that only boys might have seen pornography.
7. If you feel uncomfortable talking about pornography, start with talking about sexualisation in the media – eg celebrities, magazines, TV and advertising. You could start by asking them about how an artist has been portrayed in a current music video eg. “What do you think about how they are dressed? Why do you think they behave like that?”

Most importantly, try not to overreact. Becoming angry at them may only prevent them to coming to you if something else were to happen to them online.

Instead, calmly have a conversation about what they’re looking at. For example, if they suddenly turn the screen away from you, or shut the laptop lid, ask them why they’ve done that? Ask them why they think you’ll be cross with them if you find them looking at that type of content?

These questions can then lead onto a discussion about age-appropriate material for them online and how pornography can have a negative effect on healthy relationships. 

• Reassure your child that they can always come to you if they have any questions or worries.
• Explain that it’s normal to feel attracted to people, to be curious about sex, and to find sexual images exciting.
• Tell them where they can find good advice about sex and relationships online (eg see brook.org.uk).
• Make sure that they understand that pornography isn’t usually a realistic depiction of sex.
• Explain that they should not compare themselves to the actors in pornography, and remind them that they should never expect their boy/girlfriends/sexual partners to do the things they see in pornography.
• Help them critically analyse the way pornography depicts both men and women and how it shows a very narrow definition of sexuality. You could start this discussion by looking at the portrayal of women and men in mainstream media.
• Talking about pornography is a chance to discuss what makes a healthy sexual relationship – for example, you could talk about respect, communication, mutual pleasure and consent.
• Explain how spending too much time watching pornography can be unhealthy. Pornography has addictive qualities, and it can be hard to resist accessing it again and again.

Talk about something in the news or on TV. “Do you agree with that?” “Do you think that’s common in your class?” “What would you do if a friend came to you with that problem?”

Talk about their friends. “Do you think any of your friends have seen pornography? Do you think your friends can learn about how to have sex from pornography?” or “How old do you think most of your friends were when they first saw pornography? Do you think it’s upsetting at that age?”

Refer to younger siblings. “I’m worried about your younger brother/sister stumbling across something pornographic online. When do you think kids see that stuff for the first time? Do you think they would be upset by it?”

Refer to your experiences. “When I was younger it was just adult magazines, it’s so different now. Do you think people your age find it difficult because it’s so easy to access pornography?”

Introduce your values. This is up to you and your family, but may be things like “I can see why people watch pornography, but I think it’s important that people understand it isn’t like real sex.” Or “It’s really easy to get used to seeing sexual images everywhere, but it’s reinforcing a certain view about how women and men behave that I just don’t think is realistic.”

NSPCC and Children’s Commissioner’s survey of young people:

• By 15, children were more likely than not to have seen online pornography (65% of 15-16 year olds report seeing pornography);
• Children were as likely to stumble across pornography via a ‘pop up’ as to search for it deliberately or be shown it by other people.
• Some 44% of males, compared to 29% of females, reported that the online pornography they had seen had given them ideas about the types of sex they wanted to try out;

UK Safer Internet Centre survey of parents:

• 27%of parents say they have spoken to their child about pornography
• 23%among parents of 5-11 year olds
• 43%among parents of 11-15 year olds